At a department meeting the other day, the topic turned to kindergarten. My son just started, and much to my surprise, he is enjoying it immensely. As I was expressing my delight, someone asked me what I thought of all-day kindergarten. As anyone who has read this blog before already knows, I am rather opinionated; I jumped up on my soapbox to expound upon the evils of this idea. I was quickly reminded, however, that I work in a university because several people stepped up to provide a different perspective.

Unlike most people who deign to disagree with me, my colleagues in academia usually tend to be very diplomatic and polite in debate. This occasion was no different. So instead of feeling attacked and belittled, I was intrigued. So intrigued, in fact, that I have let the discussion ramble around in my head for a while before trying to write about it. It’s complicated, and I had never really considered the opposing view much before now. Here is what my colleagues brought up:

1. Many children need the structure a kindergarten classroom provides, and the more the better.
2. Many parents cannot keep up with the needs and demands of a kindergartener all day long.
3. Half-day kindergarten creates scheduling havoc for working parents.
4. Most other states provide full-day kindergarten, so Indiana’s children are falling behind the rest of the nation.

After several days’ consideration, I’ve decided to modify my stance. I would like to see free all-day kindergarten as an option for public school students. (It is an option in some places, but it costs parents money.) I am still opposed to mandatory all-day kindergarten, though, and here is why.

1. Yes, some children need more structure. Some are holy terrors at home, but they tend to calm down in a classroom setting. Other children, however, thrive in less structured environments. My son is very bright, independent and creative. At home I have given him as much freedom as possible with as many opportunities and tools for learning as I can provide without making him sit down and do structured activities on a strict schedule. I believe that part of the reason he is now enjoying school so much is that he enjoys a little structure as a change of pace, but I fear that when he goes to first grade, the full day will squelch his active imagination. Full-day kindergarten may be right for some kids, but they are still only five or six years old. If they can be free, let them be free a while longer.
2. Yes, some parents have a hard time keeping up with a kindergartener. They are demanding little critters. But the parents are the ones who decided to have children, not the state government or the taxpayers. Why should the state foot the bill for all-day kindergarten just because some parents are too tired to run after their kid anymore? And what makes people think that a teacher with 25 of the active little darlings is going to be able to deal with them better than their parents?
3. Half-day kindergarten is a scheduling nightmare for working parents. It’s also a scheduling nightmare for stay-at-home parents and for parents who work part-time. But public school is supposed to be more than state-sponsored daycare, and I think it’s more important to consider the needs of the child than the schedules of the adults. The hassle of arranging for childcare should be the last concern of parents trying to decide whether to put their child in part-time or full-time kindergarten.
4. Finally, there is the issue of Indiana’s falling behind the states that are offering free full-day kindergarten. Now, I’ve never been one to do something just because everyone else is doing it, but I’ve also never been one to tout Indiana’s educational system as superior. If other states are offering all-day kindergarten, good for them. I don’t think Indiana should just assume that we need to do it just because everyone else is, though. This state is falling behind educationally for a lot of reasons, and we must use our limited funds to address the most pressing of those reasons. Kindergarten is important, but I’d like to see some studies that indicate full-day kindergarten students end up with higher GPA’s in high school or that they are more likely to graduate or go to college or something concrete like that. Don’t just tell me that everybody else is doing it. Tell me why it is good that everybody else is doing it.

Here’s my last point, and then I will shut up. Say we do add four more hours to the school day. What exactly will we be adding? If you have children for the entire day, you have to feed them. You’re down to three and a half hours. Hopefully, they’ll add some physical playtime, preferably outside since this state is already struggling with overweight kids. Now we’re down to two and a half or three hours. I don’t know many five- or six-year-olds who can sit still and concentrate for more than about half an hour at a time, so you will have to incorporate some other unstructured, free time. Now you’re down to about two hours. For little children in school for the first time, eight hours is a lot of time away from parents just for a couple extra hours of instruction.

So despite the thoughtful comments of my colleagues, I’m not on the all-day kindergarten bandwagon yet. It would be a nice option for some kids, but it really is already. People just don’t want to pay for it. I’d still hate to see it mandatory. Let our kids be kids for just a little longer.

Older people tell me to savor this time in my life when my children are small. “It’s the best time of your life,” they tell me. I believe them in a way. After all, these are people who have lived a lot longer than I have. They’ve raised children of their own, and they have a perspective that I do not. So I have to trust them. And I want to heed their advice, really I do. Most of the time, though, I just don’t have the time or the energy to enjoy things the way I am supposed to.

Like all moms, I have those amazing, wonderful moments with my kids. The moment when my baby girl, smiling all over with pride, takes four steps from the couch to my arms. The moment when my kindergartner gives me a big hug and says, “I love you, Mommy.” Those very rare moments when an adult says, “Wow, you’re a good mom.” The tough thing is that these moments all add up to about 90 seconds out of my day.

The other 23 hours, 58 minutes and 30 seconds are filled with meals to be made, messes to be cleaned, errands to be run, diapers to be changed, complaints to be resolved, demands to be met, dangers to be averted, boo-boos and illnesses to be dealt with, arguments to be mediated, chores to be completed, bills to be paid. That doesn’t allow for much time to relish the joys of motherhood and marriage.

Instead, my mind wanders back to a time when it was just me and my husband, when Saturday night meant takeout Chinese food, a bottle of wine, a rented movie and sex. I sometimes envy my parents and their friends, retired but still young and healthy. Their kids are grown; they enjoy their grandkids an afternoon or two a week. They spend most of their time, though, puttering around the house, visiting with friends, playing golf or tennis or cards, going on vacations. If this is the time of my life, why do they look so much happier, more relaxed and better rested?

I’m starting to believe it’s a generational conspiracy, perpetrated to guarantee the continuation of the species. Old people tell their kids how great parenthood is so they will provide grandchildren. Come to think of it, it’s also a pretty good way for our parents to get even with us for how rotten we were to them!

So for most parents, most days are mostly hard and exhausting and frustrating and stressful. Just try to hang onto those sweet moments, and remember, you’re having the time of your life!

I have a microwave, a dishwasher, a garbage disposal, and an automatic ice maker in my kitchen. I have multiple PC’s wirelessly networked to store my to do lists, grocery lists, recipes and calendars. I have an automatic washer and dryer and a Kirby vacuum cleaner with HEPA filters. I have a van to help me cart my children around. When my grandmother was raising her three kids, she didn’t have any of these wonderful conveniences. So many wonders have been invented to make a homemaker’s life easier.

Why does it feel so much harder?

I look back at pictures, movies, TV shows from the 1950’s, and things look so rosy - even in black and white. Donna Reed’s house was so clean; June Cleaver’s kids were so polite and well-behaved. The families look so calm and content and healthy. Even when I talk to my parents and their friends, the memories they share with me are of spotless homes, delicious 3-course dinners every night, moms in starched dresses and pearls, dads working 40-hour weeks.

If I get the house dusted before a party, I feel pretty productive.

You’d think with all the time-saving inventions we have today, my house would be immaculate, I’d be dishing gourmet cuisine, dressed in evening gowns while my husband served up martinis at 4:30. What’s going on?

Well, for one thing, we’ve got so much more stuff to deal with. My grandparents had one small closet that held all their clothes for both of them. My husband and I have a walk-in closet bursting at the seams. It takes me days to get through all the laundry.

For another thing, the expectations are so much higher for parents these days. In the 50’s, parents could just toss the kids outside and let them play stickball in the vacant lot. Our kids are supposed to be reading, writing and doing math in kindergarten. We have to give them structure, get them in French lessons, hire tutors and read to them constantly. They have summer homework. Plus, we cannot just send our kids out to play without every other parent in the neighborhood wondering why on earth we’re not supervising our children and keeping them safe from the child molesters and myriad other dangers that lurk beyond the safety of our homes.

And you know what? I have a feeling that things weren’t quite as idyllic in the old days as many people try to make us think. When my parents, in-laws and their friends aren’t consciously trying to compare today’s world unfavorably to the world of the 50’s, they often remember things a little differently: mothers knocked around by drunken fathers, children belittled by chauvinistic fathers and demanding mothers. And so many of the people who grew up in the 50’s are now overweight and diabetic, I can’t help but think that all those 3-course meals finally caught up with them.

So I’ll try to give myself a break when I let my son watch two full hours of cartoons during my daughter’s nap so that I can get some laundry done. And if we have to order pizza for dinner because I’m too tired to cook after work, I’ll have to forgive myself. I’m just no Donna Reed. These days, who is?

I was in the checkout line at the store a couple weeks ago, and the very large woman in front of me was buying two dozen Hostess honey buns. I probably wouldn’t have noticed except that she and her three obese daughters were complaining very loudly to the clerk that their brother, who was not with them, would not eat anything else. Just out of curiosity, I looked up the nutrition information on the ‘ol Hostess honey bun: 310 calories, 23% of your daily fat intake; 40% of your saturated fat; 1 gram of fiber; 3 grams of protein; 250 milligrams of calcium. I can only imagine what that poor child looks like and how he feels.

Whoever gave him that first honey bun should be sent to jail. And the family who continues to provide him with them should be sent there too. I bet if there were no honey buns in the house, he’d eat something else after a while. Maybe even a piece of fruit!

Everywhere I go, I see obese children, and it breaks my heart. It is not their fault. Americans are constantly being told that we are too heavy and that we are making our children fat, but for various reasons, most people aren’t hearing the messages. At least not the entire messages.

Take my parents, for example. When they were both diagnosed with Type II diabetes, they talked to a dietician. Now I was not with them, but I am sure she gave them lots of good advice. I don’t know. But I do know what they heard because they tell me all the time:

1. Ice cream is not bad for you. (I bet the dietician said “in small quantities,” but my dad didn’t hear that part.)
2. Cake is okay without the icing. (My mom will eat 2 icing-less pieces and then a third, smaller one, with the icing.)
3. Fruit has too much sugar. (They avoid most of it like the plague.)

That’s it. That’s what they heard, and they repeat it like gospel any time I dare open my mouth to express concern about their choices. My best friend’s mother has been doing the same thing for years. She lost a toe last year.

So why do so many people hear the wrong pieces of information when they’re being bombarded with it daily? Well, in the case of my parents and my best friend’s mom, I think part of it is their generation. They’re Baby Boomers, and they are quite used to breaking the rules and getting what they want. If they want a chocolate chip cookie, by God, they’ll have one because their parents fought World War II to preserve their right to that chocolate chip cookie. Yeah, well, I have a right to Social Security and Medicare, but I’m not going to get them because the Baby Boomers will have spent it all on medication and treatments to alleviate all the diet-related ailments they’ve brought on themselves.

For other people, I believe obesity is an eating disorder brought on by various situations. But it seems to manifest itself a lot like bulimia, which is a disorder of equivalents. Bulimics believe that if they ingest 6 ounces of food, they must expel 6 ounces. So they weigh their feces or their vomit to make sure that what they’ve expelled equals what they have taken in. Many of the overweight people I know seem to make the same kind of “equivalents” mistake; they believe that 6 ounces of chocolate pudding is equivalent to 6 ounces of broccoli. They skip the salad at dinner and get cheesecake instead, and they are very honestly mystified by the fact that they are fat and the salad-eater next to them is not.

Another big part of the problem is the “weight loss” industry. Lots of companies are more than willing to take advantage of people who are confused, frustrated, and depressed. People who want to feed their addiction to fat are told that the low-carb diet will work for them. People who want to keep eating sugar are told that the low-fat diet is the way to go. People who are too busy or don’t like to cook or hate vegetables or don’t want to exercise are given all sorts of options and told they can lose weight. These companies don’t really care if anyone loses weight on their products, as long as people buy them. And they do. Because people have forgotten (or don’t want to face) one basic principle, the very simple principle by which absolutely anyone can lose weight: you must burn off more calories than you take in.

And a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. That’s the great thing about mathematical science. It does not engage in philosophy, psychology, or faith. It’s all about the numbers, baby. If you take in 500 calories, you better burn off 500. It doesn’t matter whether those calories came from 4 and a half bananas, one order of French fries or one piece of chocolate cheesecake. And it doesn’t matter whether you burn them off doing aerobics or yoga or tap-dancing. A calorie is a unit of energy. Period. Eat one, burn one. Very simple.

Of course, it’s not that simple for most people. I have been surrounded by overweight people my entire life. My mother and most of her friends have been obese for decades. My sister is overweight. Four of my best friends have weight problems.

And I’m certainly not the size 3 I was at 16, although I’m considered thin in most of my social circles. It’s relative. I’m actually about 20 pounds overweight for my 5′8″ frame and have been for years. But I do not have an eating disorder. I know exactly why I’m 20 pounds overweight; I’ve eaten 70,000 more calories than I’ve burned off. 70,000! That’s a lot. But my godmother was about 400 pounds overweight, and I know many people who are 200 or 300 pounds overweight. 100 pounds=350,000 calories. That’s a lot of honey buns. (1129, to be precise.)

A friend of mine and I were talking about the state of the world today. Like me, she’s the mother of a preschooler, and she has been convinced by everyone around her that her children are in constant danger from germs, child molesters, drug dealers and murderers. Her dentist warns her against the dental dangers of sippy cups and raisins. Her son’s teacher tells her about the perils of magnets. And of course, her television and internet connection provides all sorts of other terrors to keep her awake at night.

Is the world really worse off when than when we were children? Or is it just that nowadays we are inundated with bad news and warnings about how dangerous things are? Every day, I can turn on one of a dozen 24-hour news stations to hear about the latest serial killer, natural disaster or devastating war. I can walk through the grocery store checkout and see ten tabloid headlines screaming at me about the end of the world. But my personal favorite source of impending doom updates is e-mail.

At least three times a week, one of my very well-meaning e-mail correspondents forwards me an urgent safety notice: Don’t sniff perfume samples because serial rapists put chloroform in them to drug unsuspecting women. Don’t drink soda pop directly from the can because rat urine on the can will give you a deadly disease. Don’t flash your headlights at cars without their lights on because gang members use that as a signal to kill you.

The other day, I received an e-mail that listed 10 safety guidelines to remember when you’re getting in your car in a public parking lot. 10 THINGS?!? I can barely remember where I parked and which key goes to my car, let alone another 10 points of safety!

In a world far too eager to provide anxious parents with worrisome advice, I have found two means of saving my relative sanity. The first is to simply turn off the news and avoid the headlines whenever you start feeling overwhelmed.

The second, and most practical piece of advice I can give any nervous parent, is to check www.snopes.com , one of the best sites on the web! Edited by Barbara and David Mikkelson, the site delves into the origins of urban legends, myths and viral e-mails. It is thoroughly researched and well-written and helps me sleep just a little bit better.

So the next time you get one of those scary e-mail warnings or a well-meaning friend tells you that his cousin’s ex-husband’s sister’s uncle told him that using your cell phone in a hospital can kill a person on life support, take a deep breath and check out snopes.com.