It’s been a tough summer for dogs. In Indianapolis, we’ve experienced a rash of dog attacks on children. Then, of course, we’ve had the Michael Vick dogfighting case, Ving Rhames’ caretaker mauled by dogs, and DMX’s maltreated dogs removed from his home. So I’ve been thinking a lot about dogs lately.

First, let me be honest. I like animals, but I’m NOT a dog person. I’m not necessarily a cat person either, but I have a cat I like very much. Generally, I’m picky about my pets, and no dog will ever make the cut. That’s not to say that I don’t like dogs. I liked my grandmother’s German shepherd mix, my aunt’s standard poodle, the service dog at the Writing Center, my friend’s Corgi and a few others. I just would never want to own one.

Dogs are just too high-maintenance for me. They have to be walked or let out all the time. They need attention. They whine; they howl; they bark; they bite; they lick; they jump on you. I like my pets quiet and fairly self-sufficient: cats, fish, the occasional hamster or parakeet.

The dogs, however, are not nearly annoying as some dog owners. You see a wide range of “dog people.” From the folks who dress their dogs, throw them birthday parties and buy them Christmas gifts to these girls who use them as fashion accessories to the people who have several dogs and pay little or no attention to them, just leave them outside to bark all day. It’s not the dogs’ fault, of course. The fault lies with the breeders who engineered certain breeds to be yippy and annoying dogs and with the dogs’ owners who let their dogs bark and whine at 7am on a Saturday.

I think what really drives me nuts, though, are the people who constantly talk about their dogs as if they were children and use their pet as an excuse. I hate it when I’m talking about my child, and someone has to interject with some story about Fido as if that’s an appropriate comparison. Even before I had kids, I would never inject my cat into a conversation in which people were talking about their children. And I think it’s pretty rude when people cut out of a get-together early to go let the dog out. When people say, “I have to go. Poor Fluffy needs to be let out,” I hear, “I’d rather be at home with my dog than here with you.” I have lots of friends with dogs who have never cut out early to tend to their pets, so I know it’s not necessarily true. Not all dog owners are like that, of course. I have some friends who are loving, responsible dog owners without ever letting the dog become an excuse or a creepy substitute for kids.

So I don’t care for dogs much, but I still cannot fathom what Michael Vick and his friends did. Animal cruelty is wrong whether the animal in question is a cute little bunny or a vicious cobra. If cruel and unusual punishment were not illegal, I’d say we should string Vick and company up in a puddle of water and give them a few shocks like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. As for DMX, Ving Rhames and the owners of the dogs who mauled the kids in Indianapolis, they need to be  tossed into a ring with some vicious pit bulls and see how they fare.

What’s a non-dog person to do? Well, I would support legislation to stop the breeding of aggressive dogs - pit bulls, Rottweilers, mastiffs - or of “purebred” dogs in general. One of my friends used to be a veterinary technician, and she told me all sorts of horror stories about pedigreed species who have been so inbred they are genetic nightmares even without being aggressive.

I would also encourage people to really think about why they want a dog before they go get one. Security is a lame reason because security systems are cheaper, safer, cleaner, and more reliable than a dog. Companionship is fine, I guess, but cats are easier.

And if your dog is the one that wakes me up on a Sunday morning, rest assured I’ll be on your doorstep. It won’t be pretty. Not only am I not a dog person, I’m not a morning person either!