Some people tell me I shouldn’t get so worked up about what the federal government’s up to. After all, most of that stuff doesn’t really matter in our everyday lives. Hmm…

I lost my wallet last year. Luckily, I only kept a few things in it – frequent shopper cards, a little cash, pictures of my kids. Unfortunately, I also had my and my baby girl’s Social Security cards in it.  Since I don’t often need our cards, though, I didn’t worry too much about it.

Then my husband decided to refinance our house, and because of the Patriot Act, I have to show my Social Security card to close on the refi.

So I went to my “local” Social Security office. It’s a 30-minute drive to a neighborhood that I wouldn’t exactly call safe. I had to have my kids with me since the office closes at 4pm. I knew right away it’d be a disaster. There were big signs posted on the front door – no food, no cell phones, no guns. So I left the McDonald’s Happy Meals I had gotten to keep my children quiet in the car; I turned off my cell phone, and I tried to reassure my 6-year-old that he need not worry about guns. (He saw the picture on the door and freaked out a bit.)

Once inside, things just got worse. There were about 60 people packed into a 200-square-foot room. I took a number – A31 – and we sat down. That’s when I noticed yet another sign: Keep your children quiet and under control so we can conduct business privately and without interruption. Right. I’ll explain that to my 2-year-old who is already running around checking things out.

I started filling out my application only to discover that I needed my parents’ Social Security numbers. I have no idea what those are, and my parents are on vacation in the Cascades. Besides I can’t use my cell phone to try to get hold of them anyway, remember?

After ten minutes, the irritable clerk finally called a number – A26. Hurray, there were only five people in front of us. Another fifteen minutes and they called A27. By now, my son is whining about the wait and bouncing up and down in his chair, annoying the very large man next to him with lots of rather graphic tattoos and a bolt in his nose. I was trying to keep my daughter entertained, but she was not having it.  She kept wiggling out of my lap and taking off. Every time I would catch her, she’d shriek, and I’d get dirty looks from the clerk. So after waiting about thirty minutes, I gave up.

I bid farewell to the pictures of George W. and Dick Cheney that were looming over our chairs and walked out the door. I heard them call A28 just before the door swung shut. I’ll have to find a time to go back after we return from vacation and before we close on our mortgage. Needless to say, I won’t be taking the kids.

Who says federal government doesn’t affect our daily lives? It just helped ruin a day for me.

What do conservatives have against gays and lesbians? Really? What has a gay man or homosexual woman ever done to them to deserve the uproar that surrounds them? I know a lot of gay men and a few lesbians, and I have to tell you, they really are not scary. Most of my friends and family are, however, hetero and conservative. This is what they tell me:

1. Homosexuals choose to be homosexual.
2. Homosexuals are dangerous freaks who will turn decent heterosexuals to the dark side if we allow them to get close to us.
3. Homosexuals are perverts and deviants out to molest and/or rape our children.
4. Homosexuals, unlike heterosexuals, parade their sexuality and try to get special rights because of it.
5. Homosexuality is condemned by the Bible.
6. Homosexuals should just be celibate rather than commit sin by sleeping with same-sex partners.

So let me look at these one by one.

The first two points really fascinate me. The idea that you can choose your sexuality is bizarre. I can no more choose to be a lesbian than I can choose to sprout horns out my head. I like men. It’s not a choice I made; I’ve just never been attracted to women in a sexual way, and I cannot imagine suddenly choosing to, even if a gorgeous lesbian came up to me and begged me to be her girlfriend. I have several gay and lesbian friends. Their homosexuality has not rubbed off on me. The notion that accepting them into my society will somehow endanger my heterosexuality is ludicrous. To anyone that spouts such silliness, I must ask, “Is your heterosexuality so tenuous that you cannot resist the lure of a gay person in your near vicinity?”

Point number three begs the question, “Are heterosexuals exempt from perversion and sexual deviance?” On the contrary, most of the truly horrific sexual criminals - Marquis de Sade, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy - were quite straight. Two of my gay male friends were molested as children by married men who were supposedly heterosexual. I don’t have any statistics on it, but I’d be willing to bet that heterosexuals are just as likely, if not more so, to be criminally deviant as homosexuals.

I hear number four quite a bit from my conservative friends: “They chose to be gay, and now they want special rights? I don’t go around asking for special privileges because I’m straight!” Nope, because you don’t have to. Heterosexuals don’t have to beg for equality or decent treatment. We get it automatically. We can marry whom we want in a church with all our friends and even get tax breaks and benefits. We can wear our wedding rings proudly and not worry about getting beaten up for being married to someone we love. As far as homosexuals parading their sexuality, heterosexuals do it all the time. Turn on the TV. Go to a popular movie. Look at a billboard or a mainstream magazine. You’ll see scantily clad women and men kissing, groping and writhing all over one another. Heaven forbid we should see a gay couple now and then.

Point five is an intriguing one. People often point to verses in Leviticus or in the writings of Paul as condemning homosexuality. I’m not a biblical scholar, so I can’t dispute the point definitively. I am a language expert, though, and I know that translating the Bible is like playing the child’s game of telephone. What starts out as God’s word, goes through the initial writer, then a translator, then another translator, then another and another. As it is converted from language to language, modified from man to man, and evolved from age to age, the meaning is inevitably altered. No one can say for certain what the terms occasionally translated as “homosexual” actually meant in the original language. Plus, a Christian knows that the Old Testament was revised by Jesus. He overturned many of the old laws. Since he never mentions homosexuality, can we not assume he was disregarding the old Jewish traditions against it?

There really is no hierarchy of sin. According to Jesus, all sins are equal. If homosexuality is a sin, it is no worse than lying, stealing or cheating. Those sins are redeemed by Christ. Homosexuality would be too. Of course, some people argue that if you must be gay, you should just be celibate as Paul suggested. If celibacy is the proper way to avoid the sin of homosexual sex, than it must also be the proper way to avoid the sin of sex with someone other than your first partner. After all, Jesus specifically told us to avoid divorce because remarriage is actually adultery; therefore, all divorcees should just be celibate too. Hmm…

The point is that gay people deserve respect and consideration like anyone else. No one has the right to discriminate against them or be unkind to them just because they are gay. If homosexuality is a sin, it’s not up to us to punish those who practice it. As Jesus said, “Let those among you without sin cast the first stone.” Let’s just let God handle it, shall we?

I have come to a cosmic understanding. Phones stink. All phones stink, but cell phones are the worst.

I resisted the cell phone craze for quite a long time, but when my son was born, my parents insisted on putting me on their network for “safety.” It was a very nice gesture on their part; although I never had an emergency situation in which I desperately needed the phone, knowing I had it made them feel better.

Eventually, my husband and I decided to get our own phones. He likes technology. He likes being able to talk to his best friend all the time. I, on the other hand, have never liked talking on the phone. I was one of those bizarre teenagers who avoided calls even from my closest friends. My mother used to make me order pizza, and I would break into a cold sweat. Phone conversation just doesn’t work to my strengths. I’m not a glib conversationalist; I don’t think in quick sound bites, plus I’m pretty sarcastic and rather terse. Over the phone, I come off as rude.

A few months ago, we decided to cancel our landline. We were spending over $100 on phones each month, and we needed to streamline our budget. Now we spend about $60 a month on technology that allows people to reach me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Lucky me.

So here are my questions.

1. Why do people need to reach me at all hours of the day or night, no matter where I am or what I’m doing? I’m not the president of the United States; I’m not even a doctor. Good heavens! How on earth did human beings survive before phones?
2. Why should I pay money for people to call me at their convenience? Usually, when I answer, the person on the other end inevitably wants to give me bad news, ask me for something or chastise me for not answering the phone when they called earlier. I pay the bill; I answer when I have time.
3. Why is it okay for someone to interrupt me when they call on the phone? No one ever says, “Hi! Do you have time to talk?” No, they just assume that since I answered, they can launch into a 20-minute discussion. If I don’t answer, they get mad and leave me nasty messages. If someone just walked into my home while I was in middle of changing a diaper or taking a shower, that would be considered rude. Because they call instead of coming over, it’s acceptable?
4. How am I supposed to remember to keep my phone charged, keep it with me at all times and keep the ringer on or off depending on my location and activity? Do other people really spend that much time and energy thinking about such things? I have so many objects to keep track of; the phone is not even in the top ten things I’m worried about. I have my keys, my asthma medication, my wallet, my lunchbox, my school bag, my son’s school bag and all its contents, my daughter’s diaper bag and its contents. I can’t be expected to know where my phone is, what the status of its battery is, and how loud the ringer is set. I’m upstairs, downstairs, out in the yard, in the car, tutoring, teaching, at the store, at the park, at preschool, at the baseball field, at the movies. I really don’t have time.
5. If cell phones are supposed to keep us “safe,” as so many people insist, why do they cause so many dangers on the road? So often when I witness someone driving badly, they’re on the phone.
6. Weren’t cell phones supposed to connect us? I remember a time when I could walk down the street, see a friend or acquaintance and actually strike up a conversation. Not anymore. Nine times out of ten, when I see an acquaintance, they’re walking along, head down, ear to the phone. They might look up and smile or wave, but a conversation is right out. They’re already having one with someone more important than I am.

So that is my rant. I know my position is unpopular, and I accept that. I recently read an article about a couple that had decided to get rid of their televisions. I wonder if I could convince my husband to try a similar experiment with the phones. Probably not.