Dear Ms. Coulter,

I am one of the liberal, “pseudo-intellectuals” you dislike so much. I have a Master’s Degree in the English language, and I teach in a university, one of the bastions of the “intellectual elite” that you, Mao Zedong and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad all hate so much. Odd that you should have so much rancor for an institution that helped you achieve the wealth and success you now enjoy.

On several late-night talk shows recently, you have complained that liberals must not be very smart because we won’t debate you. I have a feeling you wouldn’t see much profit in debating me as I’m not famous, but if you ever see fit, I would be happy to engage in discussion with you. If you wouldn’t mind, though, I would prefer to do it in writing. You see, like many of my fellow liberals, I don’t think in sound bites. The complex issues facing our nation today seem to me to warrant a great deal of in-depth thought. When debating these issues, being able to come up with a quick retort is no virtue. In this case, speed and wit reveal a lack of understanding and an absence of appreciation for the severity of these problems. Being a great speaker does not make you a great mind. After all, Albert Einstein was not a great public speaker, but Adolf Hitler was.

You claim in your latest book that liberals are “Godless.” I have already written extensively on the fact that Jesus Christ was a liberal, so I will not go into it here. (Please see my blog entry “Jesus Was a Flaming Liberal” for more detail.) I am, however, intrigued by a declaration you made recently: “I’m a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don’t you ever forget it.” In your infinite wisdom, perhaps you can explain how this statement can possibly make sense. Jesus Christ, the founder of our religion, was neither mean-spirited nor bigoted. In fact, he commanded that his followers should “love thy neighbor.” So if you are a Christian first, you cannot, in good faith, be consciously and intentionally mean or bigoted. Obviously, one of your claims must be false. As you have done little if anything to prove your Christianity, but you have often proven your hatred for your fellow man, I think anyone with a sense of logic can see that you are no Christian.

Your un-Christian behavior is most obvious in your treatment of the 9/11 widows. Calling them rude names, such as “Jersey Girls,” “witches of East Brunswick,” and “grieferazzi,” and belittling their anguish and anger is yet another example of how ironic your book’s title is. You accuse them of profiting from their husbands’ deaths; what exactly are you doing?

In addition to the 9/11 widows, you point to people such as Christopher Reeve, Cindy Sheehan and Max Cleland as figures used by liberals to promote their agenda. These people were not chosen as spokespeople by the Democratic Party; they chose to speak out against conservative policies all by themselves. You are upset that you cannot attack them as vociferously as you’d like to “because that would be questioning the authenticity of their suffering.” But here’s the real crux of the matter - conservatism only works if you’re lucky. If you’re lucky enough to be wealthy, you don’t have to care about healthcare costs or welfare. If you’re lucky enough not to have children serving in the military, you can support the war in Iraq with all the philosophical rhetoric you can dream up. If you’re lucky enough not to be afflicted with a life-shattering disease or injury, you can impose your ideals about stem cell research with no personal consequences. It is amazing how quickly people can change their minds when faced with adversity. If you were stricken with a spinal cord injury tomorrow, I bet you’d change your mind about stem cell research. If you were drafted tomorrow, I bet you’d change your position on the war in Iraq.

Another thing I would like to know is: why are you so angry? You, personally, seem to have a very nice life. You’re well-educated, wealthy, successful. Your party has had total control of the American government for six years now. Granted, in that time, gas prices have doubled. Violent crime in the U.S. is up by over 3%. More than 2600 American soldiers have died in Iraq. The number of Americans without health insurance has grown to 46.6 million. Conservatives seem to have done nothing to improve the lives of average Americans. You, however, are no average American. Your life looks pretty good to me. Why do you need to dish out so much rage when those of us struggling to get by manage to be civil?

Finally, I would like to ask you about your claim that your party represents “family values.” As a mouthpiece of your party, you are a completely inappropriate ambassador of such values. You are not married; you have no children. What right do you have to define “marriage” or “family?” What right do you have to tell parents how to raise their kids? Not only do you have no personal experience with raising a family in today’s society, you dress in a way that would scandalize every decent woman in my church, PTA and card club. Your appearance obviously has nothing to do with family values or Christian morals and everything to do with making money.

Believe it or not, I am smart enough to know I will not to stop you from dispensing hate, fear, and greed; nor do I believe that I will change any of your beliefs with my meager arguments. As I am no celebrity, I have little expectation that you will ever deign to respond to my questions. So here is what I wish for you: I wish that the safe and narrow path you tread will be rocked by change. I hope that you will have an experience or two that will challenge your small-minded convictions. Sadly, you have made enough money to insulate yourself from many such experiences. Perhaps life will eventually throw one your way, though. Then you would see that life is not comprised of simple, black-and-white pictures that can be controlled with simple, black-and-white policies; it is subtle, complicated, and shaded with gray. Should you ever come to that understanding, I will be glad to offer you a helping hand and say, “Welcome to the Real World, Ms. Coulter.”

Sincerely,

Jennifer Mahoney

Wife, mother, teacher, ex-Republican